It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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