Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
