I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
