Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
