Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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