"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
