when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
