Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
