i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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