so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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