I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
