I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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