i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
