Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
