so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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