i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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