a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
