I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
