I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
