You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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