my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
