today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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