My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
