I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
