He is such a slut. More and more my type.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You can't just leave with hair like that
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize