Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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