I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
