I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
