Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
