Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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