Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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