worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You are a genius and a whore.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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