If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize