Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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