Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
