If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
