I got chris browned last night
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
