So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You ruined the universe
Randomize
