I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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