I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
