Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
