Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
