I should be sponsored by Trojan
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
is that a dick in a sweater?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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