Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
