ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
