Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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