I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
