his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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