She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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