Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It was confusing and full of hummus
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
