so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
