she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize