sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
