apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
